Today’s prompt was well-timed. As I type it’s pouring with rain, and I’ve had to turn up the volume on my TV.
I like rain. Readers familiar with my creative writing will know I like the rain. One reader asked if I had some type of connection to the rain, which I do not. I just like rain. I theorized once that since I was born in winter, that’s where my like of rain is from. Maybe if I was born in summer, I would like sunshine.
Rain is peaceful, yet not. My ideal afternoon is something like the current one. It’s raining, either hard enough to mute the TV or radio, or just quiet enough that I register it as background noise. Right now it isn’t very cold, but it will be soon. My mum always warns me about not letting myself get cold, so when it rains I like to bundle up with an ancient jumper, fleecy enough to stay warm even after dozens of washes. If it gets dark enough I then draw the curtains and light a candle. The glow of the candlelight is pretty and a nice counter to the harshness of the lightbulb.
I tend to get cold easily and my hands are first to feel it. The best way to warm up then is a hot flask of tea or coffee.
Oh, I am ranting. So my ideal rainy afternoon involves tea, blankets, music or my favourite TV programmes. Books, not so much, because books are silent and the sound of rain is distracting. I think books are better suited to snowy afternoons, or sunny ones where you stay indoors.
So this is quite out of the ordinary for me. Normally I post poetry and short stories, and this is more of a surveyish type of thing.
Probably I haven’t posted much, if at all about it, but I’m a huge fan of Harry Potter. I was skimming through bits of Deathly Hallows part 2 and I got to thinking about Fred’s death. Is it foreshadowed at all? I’ve convinced myself that at some point in the book series, Fred says that when he dies he’ll go out with a joke and a laugh, or something along those lines. And in the book, he does. Percy’s just made a joke, for the first time in like ten years, and Fred is described as having the ‘ghost of his last laugh still etched on his face.’
What I’m would like to know is, does he say that? I’ve chased it on Google, typing in a dozen different word combinations, and posted the question on Twitter, and still had no answer. I keep getting forums and fanfiction links. If anyone could point me in the right direction, I’d be very happy – hence the title of this post. It’s making me rather impatient, and when I want to find something online I’ll chase it as far as I go before I wear out my shoes. Imaginary shoes, that is. Real shoes would be very expensive.
Besides, there’s a free unicorn on offer.
We stopped being friends two days ago
And now I’m gone
Not physically: geographically, I live in the same zip code
But mentally, I’m a million miles away
I’ve already managed to move on
I have a good friend who I consider to be my best friend once again
We lost touch years ago and she found me online
I think that’s ironic: you end our friendship on there
While I find a lost friendship on there
She’s a good friend, and never pulled the type of crap you did
Of course she isn’t perfect-no one is, but she’s a much better friend
Someone once said that a friend is ‘someone who walks in
When others walk out’
And that’s true.
You walked out of my life, and she returned.
Things between her and I didn’t end badly: we were young
And when she moved away we just lost contact
Between her and my other friends, I can move on.
So now I don’t really need you anymore
I don’t want for us to still be falling in and out of friendship when we’re twenty
So the best thing is for us to stop being friends.
I’ve moved on.
I cut my losses and accepted that sometimes, a person isn’t a good friend
No matter how much you text someone, or talk to them, they may not change.
Change is obviously important in anything
No matter how much you want someone to be a good friend, sometimes
They just can’t be.
So now I’m gone.
I’m going to hold higher standards in future
And one day I want peaceful, drama free friendships
I know I’m not perfect
But as far as being a good friend goes, I’m learning.
Were we ever actually friends?
Sometimes I wondered
When you and the others excluded me from things and told me I wasn’t supposed
To know something
Was it just convenient for us to be friends?
Jammed together by default
Clumped together in a group because we all knew roughly the same people?
Why, when we fell out, did I always return?
Maybe because it was the most comfortable, rather than trying to extend myself
To get out and meet new people.
I don’t know why I always returned.
Sometimes I wished I had another group of friends
People who were straightforward and didn’t mess around
Putting up with your drama meant I was always trying to adapt to a situation
Realigning the way I thought of someone or something
Shuffling around who was the good and who was the villain in the latest dispute
It was all so high school typical
Something I would have preferred we didn’t have, because we were better than that
I didn’t get that wish.
Now I don’t know what we were.
Were we really friends? Did all the time we spent together mean anything?
I guess now we won’t know.
You and I have cut each other out of our lives
I never speak to any of the others now
So I suppose that means that we were never real friends.
If something ends this easily
Then I don’t think it was real.
It was nice while it lasted.
You and I have both
Cut ties so simply
Easy as deleting and blocking on facebook
Maybe this time the “we’re not friends”
The last curtain call on the series that was our friendship.
You cut off our friendship
In the most painless way possible
Online, during a chat on facebook.
Technology: emotionless, non-human, robotic.
The course of our friendship wasn’t always good.
I was left out of things, uninvited
Sometimes you and the others would all get together and call me
Put me on speaker so I could hear you guys all at once
Were you trying to make me feel excluded?
that’s what it felt like.
Me, on the outside looking in,
Or some cases listening in, at home studying on my own
And whether it was your intent or not, I felt excluded.
I put up with you guys keeping secrets from me in the most obvious way possible
Saying directly that I wasn’t supposed to know, as if I wasn’t sitting
You all squabbled and then seemed to expect me to take a side
I tried not to get caught up in what wasn’t my drama
But somehow I got sucked in anyway.
I wanted to be a good friend
Days later you’d all patch up your little disagreements
I was always a step behind
And I still remember you telling me that I was being immature
That you didn’t want me around you until I grew up
For months after that I stayed away, making it a point not to be around you
I’m mad at myself for going back the way I did.
I still have memories of sitting alone eating lunch
Hiding out in the library to try to avoid you
Really, those avoidances weren’t difficult.
I was able to go off campus for lunch if I pleased, and sometimes I would
That first day was sad for me
Then I transitioned to anger and defiance
If you didn’t want me around, I really wouldn’t be around
And yet, I eventually caved and returned to you guys
Why, I don’t know.
Now that I’m looking back at the past
Things with you guys weren’t that great.
Some of the times were good
But it’s the bad things that stand out most in my memory
Maybe that’s my fault because I didn’t record the good times
Or maybe its yours because I thought you were all my friends
And now I know you weren’t.
Now I’m free.
I don’t think I will return to being your friend again.
I’m done with the drama.
I suspect that eventually you’ll give in and cave, come back to me and ask
Can we be friends again?
I think that this time is different.
I’ve given you second chances before.
I’m not prepared to do it again.
I learnt a few things from being friends with you.
I learnt that I want my friends to be supportive and caring
It doesn’t seem like much, but I remember when I told you I got into university
You barely sounded interested, as if the news that I had got what I wanted
Was just so boring.
Something so average and everyday, that it wasn’t worth excitement.
I don’t think you even congratulated me.
I’d only been wanting to go to university for the past four years
And you knew it.
I learnt that I want my friends to be able to accept responsibility.
Rather than pin all the blame on me and tell me to grow up, you should be able to say
‘Mea culpa’ when you’re in the wrong.
It isn’t about me needing to grow up: its about you needing to be able to admit that
You messed up on something and that you’re going to try to fix things.
I learnt that I want my friends to be grateful when I try to be a good friend
Acknowledge it, acknowledge me.
don’t tell me that you understand when I don’t want to take sides, but then
Turn around and expect me to do so.
don’t get annoyed at me if I pick the side that isn’t yours
Or expect my complete loyalty if I choose your side.
I learnt that I want a friend who cares what I want.
If you think I’m mad at you, don’t for god’s sake keep asking.
That just annoys me.
When you want an answer, don’t just keep hounding me and say you don’t care
If I get annoyed by your constantly going on.
Respect me and what I want and shut up about it.
And don’t, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t end a friendship just because
I refuse to answer a question that you’ve asked three times and that
I’ve already answered twice.
I learnt that I don’t want a friend who wants me to stroke their ego.
don’t ask me who my best friend is and when I say I don’t know
Tell me that I could say its you.
That just puts me on the spot: how do you know
If I mean it or am just saying it?
In saying you’re my best friend when its what you expect
I could be just not wanting to offend you
Or I might be trying to protect your feelings.
After all, if I name someone other than you, I can be pretty sure you’d ask
“why not me?” and get mad.
I don’t want that.
I learnt that I especially want my friends to be someone who has the decency
Not to end a friendship online
Through something like facebook.
I deserve better.
Most of all, I learnt that I want a friend who won’t throw away years of friendship
Just because I won’t answer the question that you want answered.
You accuse me of being childish and acting like a two-year-old:
I suggest you take a look at yourself in that regard.