Leprechaun Studies 101

In which I explain the intricacy of the leprechaun’s life.

To begin with, if you have a leprechaun, it is a fair bet that you are a fan of Lady Antebellum (a band, and nothing like Lady Gaga. Just so we’re clear, because this is an issue that does arise, and it makes me want to sing Lady A’s songs until I lose my voice.) You see, Lady A are the twenty-first century equivalent of Shakespeare. There is often a creative wordplay, and much honesty in their music, like there was in Shakespeare’s many plays.

To clarify, Shakespeare is king of the leprechauns. Historically, leprechauns were first sired in around 1600-when Shakespeare was about thirty-six and writing plays. This is a lesson for another day, but suffice to say that Shakespeare had leprechauns to inspire him. Dude wrote thirty-seven plays, y’all. Historic materials aside, he did also do comedies and tragicomedies. So yes, while he wrote plays on the Richards and the Henry’s and the someone else I can’t think of right now, he would have needed some new ideas.

Anyway, back to the original point. My Lady Antebellum playlist contains thirty-eight songs. This, quite simply, feels like a sign.

To begin with, there is a formula I created for how many leprechauns a person has. It is very simple, primarily because I am not mathematically inclined (at all) and am an English major. It has literally been… well, it’s getting on for five years since I last did maths.

This formula, as I said, is simple. The constant in it is you and Lady Antebellum. For every month of the year, you have three leprechauns. So, for instance, a person born in June, as I was, will have eighteen leprechauns. Hillary Scott, born in April, has twelve; Dave Haywood, born in July, has twenty-one; Charles Kelley, born in September, has twenty-seven.

Admittedly, this can seem greedy. But, factor in that leprechauns do sleep, and they do tire out early. Leprechauns like to cheer their human on as the human does something they don’t like to do, such as cleaning, something difficult like writing a novel, or generally spread cheer.

This is where Charles or Dave may have an advantage. If either of them chooses to put the leprechauns to work, there is a roster-more on that later-which means that more of the leprechauns can be working, or more can be resting up to work. There is even the third option: that in the case of an odd number, one will step aside to be a sort of leader, while one half rests and the other half works.

Mathsy stuff aside, I will now cover their personalities.

Leprechauns tend to take on their human’s personality traits and work with that to respect the human. Me, for instance. I am a very bookish person and like my books arranged in alphabetical order of author’s last name. The leprechauns know this from the first day of living with me, and therefore never interfere with my books unless it’s to neaten them up a bit because I’ve got messy.

Another way human traits are seen in a leprechaun is what the human likes. I like skittles, so if I’m in the confectionary aisle at the supermarket, I feel myself leaning towards skittles over marshmallows or chocolate. This is because the leprechauns like skittles: I like skittles, so they do too.

Often, they use these things to their advantage, although never for evil.

Leprechauns are not totally mindless: if a human considers doing something when they should do the opposite, a leprechaun will step in and try to convince the human to do what they should. One time, I was going to wait to get a later bus because it took a nicer route, but it was raining. So, a leprechaun reminded me that I cannot predict the weather and pointed out I really should get the next bus that came along. This proved to be accurate, as I got on before it began raining harder.

You get the picture.

On to their powers. Leprechauns are capable of reading minds, either their own or the human’s. This lets them tailor their activity to suit. If their human is sad, a leprechaun might try to cheer them up. If the human is angry, the leprechaun will likely back away and let the human calm down. If the human is happy, that is best for the leprechaun. They tend to feed off happy: when I finally downloaded the Own The Night album, my leprechauns began singing and dancing more than they normally do when they’re happy.

(A side note: don’t try to trick the leprechaun and tell them you have no new Lady A music if in fact you do. They can read minds after all, and trying to console a sad leprechaun is an exceptionally delicate task. Odds are, you will be faced with a weeping leprechaun who is basically inconsolable.)

Leprechauns can also transfer powers to a human, either permanently or temporarily. This has indeed happened to me numerous times. Recently, I have been listening to the radio and idly thinking about Lady A, and the next thing I know, Just a Kiss is coming on. Yes, it’s probably just coincidence because I think about Lady A lots, but consider that the song could come on when I am out of the room and wouldn’t know it’s on.

As far as taking care of a leprechaun goes, you don’t need to worry a lot. Leprechauns are incredibly self-sufficient, and tend to like hugs. This means that you can give a leprechaun maybe one or two hugs for the day, and they in return will get their own food, make sure they get enough sleep and don’t get sick, and look after each other. Earlier, I mentioned how they roster when they’re on duty. If you guessed that they do their own rostering, you’re right. Convenient for times when you can’t do it for them.

The lifespan of a leprechaun is never-ending: they are immortal. Theoretically, this means they are with you for life. However, you can let a leprechaun go if they wish to. Additionally, their presence is determined by how much Lady A is a part of your life. If you only occasionally listen to Lady A, the leprechauns don’t generally make their presence known. On the other hand, listening to Lady A daily, like I do, means that you will know they are there. The leprechauns, that is, not Lady A.

I mentioned when leprechauns sleep. Nine times out of ten, my leprechauns prefer to take power naps-they suit their napping schedules to my day and routines. If, for instance, I were to get up at 9am, they will get up at 8:45am to make sure they are awake for me.

However, you don’t need to worry about losing your bed to them, or having to make up something for them. Leprechauns can sleep anywhere. Mine like to sleep in my bag on the bus during the semester, or any other time. It’s nighttime as I write this, and they are currently curled up in my bags and coat pockets.

Sometimes a leprechaun, if sick, will curl up at the foot of your bed under the duvet, or tucked up under the pillow.

I also mentioned how leprechauns do things for themselves: they do argue, but they manage to make sure you never know about the arguing. They are with you to help, not stress you out more, and they know this. Often, they know that you know about their arguing, but the argument is generally a good-natured one, and if it is something more serious, then they do that only to remind you that they are not perfect.

Leprechauns are also very smart cookies. If their human is, like me, an English major, they will read anything they can get their hands on and then some. If the human has a job, they will study how the human works, and think of ways it could be improved-later, when the human is open to suggestion, the leprechaun will plant the suggestion in the human’s mind. This is another of their useful powers, and again, they know not to abuse it for evil.

Mischief is sometimes a part of a leprechaun’s nature: however, they keep it to when their human is in a good mood. Otherwise, they risk the worst kind of punishment: having the Lady A music taken away. For a leprechaun, nothing is worse.

Leprechauns don’t normally get on with animals, so they tend to steer clear of the family cat or dog.

If the human is in a positive mood, the leprechauns’ mischief will extend to singing and dancing things that the human does not like, and sometimes, if the human is female, will mess around with makeup. Also, the particularly mischievous leprechaun might break into the coffee supply. To a leprechaun, caffeine is an incredible energy shot, and it is when caffeinated that a leprechaun can stay awake for even longer. In a normal day, a leprechaun can go five hours before needing a nap: caffeinated, it becomes fourteen and very energetic. Often, the leprechaun will begin talking politics or global warming, or threatening to become a politician who will solve global warming.

I might mention that the last time any of my leprechauns had coffee, they began reciting Shakespeare in pig-Latin and seemed intent on food that was specifically from Shakespeare’s time. They also seemed drunk, but that may have been my imagination. Then, they started impersonating our Prime Minister, if the Prime Minister dressed in drag.

To summarize, leprechauns are often wonderful to have around. They try not to transfer a bad mood to the human, and are generally very able to look after themselves. To punish a leprechaun, take away Lady A-mostly, they won’t be able to cry over it, because they are mature enough to be able to recognize that they deserve being punished for something they did wrong. Avoid giving them caffeine, and treat them with love and respect.

Lastly, play them Lady A music at least once a day, and they will stay happy.

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